Up. Down. In Between. Out Of.
There are times I feel like I could burst. Pulsating with energy, excitement, and inspiration I see how my character and what I know can help others while I help myself. How I can make the best use of my time here. How I can aid and influence as we continue our evolution towards unity despite physical separation.
Noticing opportunities everywhere, I am drawn to all of the action. Inside of me burns a fire of passion. It is as if there was a bundle of wood lodged in my chest and all of a sudden someone struck a match and tossed it in, lighting me up from the inside out. I am energized and ready to dive in.
There are times I feel like shrinking into nothingness. I exist, but inside I either feel nothing, or the very opposite - the complete overwhelm of swirling information, yet to be used. The uselessness of all I am and know. Defeat washing over me before I have even begun.
The days feel insignificant as I wonder how to liberate the helping power within me. I doubt if the helping power even exists; pushing it towards being a figment of my imagination rather than a reality. Gaslighting myself, I feel burdened, upset, confined.
There are times I feel in between. Mixed into all that is written above. The shifts between states of being and feeling move quickly. If I don’t focus on remaining present, I easily lose track of where I am. Moreso, I lose track of my awareness of the ride I am on, the experience I am in. I lose track of being and shift into a productivity mindset. A go go go attitude. And while that may sound more productive, I often find that in the state of wanting to do, the doing is something I am chasing. When I am present, I naturally do as that is what presence does. It is.
But rather than forcing myself to focus on a sense of presence, lately I have been focusing on the removal of distractions. You see, I think presence is all I really have. All I really am. I think it's what you really are too. But in a world of flashy tools and knick knacks, it is easy to forget.
Navigating what serves me and what doesn’t is an ongoing sport, as everything can be a tool depending on your relationship to it. Just as easily things/people/places can end up being distractions rather than tools if I am not careful. How I relate to other people, places, and things, matters. My perceived relationship to these things and my actual relationship may differ, and so I try to observe as an outsider. Sometimes questions can help.
If you are at all interested in the types of things I like to consider I have made a list of questions to get a better scope on your interactions. You can find the list here.
There are times I notice my ability to feel. Neither here nor there. Neither pulsating with excitement nor swirling with defeat. Not in any defined direction, existing nonetheless. I notice the ever changing experience. The dips and dives, ups and downs, lefts and rights, in betweens and out ofs.
I hop on my surfboard and experience riding the waves. I don’t get too focused on how big the wave is, or when the next will come, how the last one was, or why I am riding them. I don’t even seem to notice the looks of my surfboard, instead seeing its full function.
The surfing experience for me is simple; I let the water guide me. I just focus on what is directly in front of me, and fully immerse myself into its experience. Into my experience of it. I notice the rippling ocean, the fresh air, the clouds above me, and the immense depth of what is below me. I notice my very being, dipped in a suit; I feel into my body’s sensory life.
I am not always surfing, but when I do, man oh man is it great. To be in something just for the sake of it. To detach from what I will achieve and instead focus on the very experience. The very journey I am on. And truly notice it. Truly take it in. Expand myself into what it means to be in a body, physically and of water, experiencing ups and downs of movements I can’t control. Allowing the waves to carry me, trusting I will learn to stand, and even ride them one day. Trusting they will take me for a thrilling experience if I let them. Maybe I’ll even learn some tricks. What a privilege.
Surf on and enjoy! I hear it's one hell of a ride.